ALYSSA made family of 4 ~ Now waiting for KAI !!

Just got home from China with bittersweet emotions

2011-02-04T13:11:00.001-05:00

We loved China so much & miss it terribly. I think Rick, Alyssa & I are in a bit of moarning at being home to reality. What can I say ~ the experience & culture was awesome! From the food to the Chinese people to the American friends we met & hung out with (miss you Jenny, Scott & Sammie!). I will post some pics & will give a time-line update of our trip soon. The only negative with China was I couldn't use FB or this blog-site unless I wanted to purchase a something/whatever ~ can't remember the name, computer guru's would know ;-). We decided not to purchase it. I guess I wanted to enjoy the moments & upload pics to computer rather than blog! Alyssa is an awesome baby, but has been cranky during this adjustment to her new country, home, extended family, & everything else that is new to her!

XOXOXOXOXO
~ Tracy

Leaving for China!!

2011-01-05T12:19:00.000-05:00

Just got word that we leave for China on Jan. 20th & Alyssa will be home on Feb. 2nd :-)) Finally, this is starting to feel real :-)) The hardest part is leaving Bryce home ... I get so emotional when I think about it even though it's the best thing for him. He needs the structure of his school-time & TKD activities :-)

Cheers! ~ Tracy

Getting Anxious to travel

2010-12-25T18:07:00.000-05:00

I sure hope we travel soon ... the wait is making me very anxious. The more I "think" about things, such as missing Bryce & getting prepared for that long-long plane ride, the more nervous I get. The beginning of Feb. is the Chinese New Year, so hoping we will travel early/mid January & be back before the Chinese New Year begins. Just still waiting for the "word" from our agency! I added updated pics of Alyssa who just turned 1 year old on December 12th! She is just over 16 lbs ... oh tiny little one :-) I'm here at work today, crazy day it has been since 7am!! It's almost over, thank goodness! Looking back, who would've thought I would not have Alyssa home this year for Christmas ... Come on 2011 :-)

~ Merry Christmas with HUGS & KISSES !! ~

Feeling Good

2010-11-19T16:48:00.000-05:00

We found out last night that we missed the December cut-off to travel. So the plan is to go in January! New year, new expanded family :-) I must admit, we were disappointed with missing out on December & her 1st birthday. But it's probably a blessing in disguise ... less stress with the holidays. We can enjoy our last Christmas as a family of 3 & look forward to 2011! Bryce said, "Then we'll get Alyssa & we'll be stuck with her then". I had to laugh ... I don't think he meant it in a negative way. I told him, "No ... she will be stuck with us!". Bryce agreed, "True mom" :-)

2nd Referral Arrived on 10/11/2010

2010-10-15T16:17:00.000-04:00

We received our 2nd referral this past Monday. I told myself I would not become attached, but I can't help it ... she is very cute, bright-eyed & I can see she is involved with her surroundings! Her medical report was very detailed. I have a better feeling about this one :-) I started all the paperwork & sent to Dept of Homeland Security yesterday. Whew ... glad that's over (again). The toughest decision this week was to choose her name: should we keep the name, Alyssa, that we love so much? or try a different name since, as Bryce said, "Nothing good has come from naming her Alyssa". I searched so many baby name sites, found a few names we liked, but it didn't feel right. I want a name with a nice meaning, easy/fun to write, & sounds pretty. We decided to keep Alyssa because our 1st daughter who comes home to us is "Alyssa". The 2 babies (Vietnamese & Chinese) that came before were not meant to be & we have to accept that :-(

I think about the 1st Chinese referral often wondering what will happen to her. Once they know more about her issues, I know she will be up for adoption as a "special needs" child. I may look into that once we have Alyssa home. For now, we waited 5 years to have our precious daughter, & we must focus on that ~

Minimally Better Today

2010-10-06T11:01:00.000-04:00

So, I'm going against my DH's philosophy of "don't tell anyone", to share our news with my friends/family. It has helped a lot. I do feel better even after writing my last blog. Our agency finally called yesterday to check on us. I think DH made them feel guilty after he spoke with them on Monday for not calling us. Whatever ... I just want this over with ...

Adoption is NOT the easiest route!

2010-10-04T19:40:00.001-04:00

The crying stage with a lot of anger left inside working it's way out is the stage of grieving I am in. My husband, however, is in a "happy, ignore the shit out of what pisses you off" state so he continues to function in life while I wither away ... mentally that is. It definately isn't physical withering because I've been eating anything/everything not tied down! I'll have to have a gastric bypass by the time the "real" Alyssa (or whatever her name will be) actually comes home!

So what happened to cause this crazy emotional crap with me??? We got a phone call last Wed. night at ~ 10:30 pm from our agency stating that China has withdrawn our referral due to her now having severe brain damage! What?? How do you go from "healthy" to "brain damage"?? They say she just hasn't been progressing normally & actually has been regressing ... mmm. Overall, this SUCKS. My emotions are raw as raw can be. So they say this rarely happens to withdraw a referral. Of course, I lost a Vietnamese referral in '07 for some weird disappearing act the Vietnamese did with our entire groups babies ... never did find out exactly what happened. So, really, 2 foreign country adoption losses within 3 years, really? Am I not supposed to adopt? Was I that stupid, naive, blindsided to allow myself to show a little emotion over this new little one joining our life? Twice? Can I never trust again? We are supposed to get another referral soon from China, but is a child that easily replaceable? How many referrals, how much emotional upheaval, more $$ pissed to the wind, & how much more waiting do we have to endure for this adoption to come to fruition??? 5 + years hasn't been enough? Am I that "horrible" of a person that GOD wants this pain on me/us? I just don't get it ... if I knew it would have been this screwy, I would have adopted within our own screwed-up country or gone through another 10 rounds of IVF! And our dear, sweet agency can't even bother to make a follow-up phone call to check on us ... you lay a load of crappy news on us just before going to bed ... then ignore us :-((( ... lovely!

Almost there at seeing her :-)

2010-07-27T17:17:00.000-04:00

In late August/early September, we should be getting a picture of our daughter! I'm trying to stay real busy until then :-) This past month moved up many, many days ... unlike the years we've waited & watched!

Whew! ... good news 2 months in a row!!

2010-04-07T17:57:00.000-04:00

So happy to have seen it jump up another 6 days ... finally moving at an "acceptable" speed. We are 28 days away from us receiving our referral ... so if China sends out 6 days of referrals (pictures) each month from this point on, we are looking at Sept/Oct to receive our picture! Then we officially "accept" Alyssa & travel will be ~ 2 months after that! Lets hope & pray that this will be the case :-)

Referral date: LIDs processed through: # Days it took to receive referral:

2010-04-05 2006-04-17 1449 days

XOXOXOXO ~ Tracy :-)

Anxious

2010-04-02T11:22:00.002-04:00

Well, it's the beginning of the month ... should be finding out how much closer we are to the referral (getting her pic!). It's been a constant emotional upheaval with feelings of hope, anxiety with the long wait, & are we there yet? mentality. Rick & I go get fingerprinted for the um-teenth time next week ...

Blessings,
~ Tracy

The long wait :-(

2010-02-19T13:16:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been quite bummed out after seeing the referrals on 2/2/10. #1, it was overdue & #2, it didn't advance much ... only 2 days in this "never-ending" wait :-( I sooo thought April was going to move faster than March. We have 40 days of dossiers ahead of us & I'm regretfully feeling that 2010 won't be our year :-( I am trying to stay positive & focus on other things ... like the ones I've been putting off for years ... these darn photo albums! My goal this year is to have them done, so I can get started with Alyssa's when she finally is home!

TTFN!
Tracy

Getting Started with this blog site

2010-01-31T17:58:00.002-05:00

Wonders never cease :-) It only took me 9 hours to start up this blog site ... but I did it! I wanted to have a documentation site just for "Alyssa" since we are hoping 2010 will be the year she comes home! I'll be in touch ...

XOXOXO!
Tracy